"It's not important"

After almost a year in China the phrase, “It’s not important,” has become the biggest mystery for me as I try to understand the Chinese culture! 

I have used this blogsite to record a few of the Chinese customs and beliefs that we have learned.  It is fair to say that after a year we know less about the Chinese culture than we knew before—or rather, we realize we know less than we thought we did.  Often Chinese culture seems easy to understand and similar to our western cultures, and then something totally inexplicable happens and we are plunged into the mysteries of the dragon kingdom.  “It’s not important” is such a mystery.

I have heard university students use this phrase half a dozen times.  It always seems extremely inappropriate.  

For example, a month ago, Mary was in our apartment with a dozen other students from my classes.  It was Tuesday evening, my regular “office hours” for students to visit and ask questions about class or just to chat.  Most come to chat.  I asked Mary (I have changed the names of all the students in this blog)  about her three week absence from class in March.  Suppressing her tears, she told me that her father had been killed in an auto accident, and she had been with her family.  I expressed my sorrow at hearing this news and she said, “It’s not important.”

Or, last semester Bill had missed classes for six weeks.  His girl friend had told me he was sick.  When he finally returned to class, I asked about the reason and he explained that he had gone through a series of brain surgeries to deal with a pituitary problem.  I expressed my sympathy for his difficulties, and he said, “It’s not important.”

Bonnie was one of seventeen students who came to our apartment for Jean’s office hours one Thursday evening.  With such a large group we decided to teach them the game of Rhythm.  While we were playing, suddenly Bonnie exclaimed something in Chinese.  Her friends turned to help her.  It seems that a tooth had suddenly popped out of her mouth.  She was bleeding so Jean took her back to the bathroom to clean up.  Then she returned to the group and resumed her seat.  I asked how she was doing, and she said, “It’s not important.”

Victoria is a student in one of my classes.  While I was grading that class’s midterm exams I discovered that Victoria’s exam was missing.  I went to her in class and asked if she could tell me what happened to her exam paper.  She was clearly upset by this news and assured me she had turned in her answer sheet the same as all of the other students.  I promised her that I would do a full-scale search to try to find the missing paper.  Since she looked so nervous, I added that there was no need to worry, that I believed her story, and that everything would be all right.  She replied, “It’s not important.”  (The exam turned up, buried inside a different stack of papers.)

Clearly the phrase “It’s not important”—or the Mandarin equivalent—is commonly used in the culture.  It seems to mean something like, “I’m okay” or “You don’t need to bother about this.”  I think it somehow relates to the Chinese custom of “saving face”—avoiding embarrassment for oneself and others.  Perhaps it is related to the strong sense of humility in the Chinese personality.  There seems to be a sense of not wanting others to know about my sorrows so that they will not be saddened on my account.

The most extreme example of this was told me by another foreign teacher.  One of his students’ mother became seriously ill during her time at the university.  She was quite concerned and was calling her mother frequently.  When her mother died she did not want any of her dormmates to know so she continued making pretend calls to her mother!  I suspect she would have said, “It’s not important.”

Of all the mysteries of the dragon culture, this saying has been the biggest for me.  It strikes me as wrong.  I want to show students that I care for them and their problems, but their culture excludes me (and each other) from their personal sorrows.  In China “personal” means “private”—very private.

In three of the stories above, my response to the phrase “It’s not important” was to say, “It is important because you are important.”  I explained that Americans share their sorrows so that we can comfort each other.  I told them that I care about them and I want them to know that.  They silently listen.  I think they are grateful for my concern—at least I hope so.

Next year, one of my goals in returning to China is to better understand the mystery of “It’s not important.”