After almost a year in China the phrase, “It’s not
important,” has become the biggest mystery for me as I try to understand the
Chinese culture!
I have used this blogsite to record a few of the Chinese
customs and beliefs that we have learned.
It is fair to say that after a year we know less about the Chinese
culture than we knew before—or rather, we realize we know less than we thought
we did. Often Chinese culture seems easy
to understand and similar to our western cultures, and then something totally
inexplicable happens and we are plunged into the mysteries of the dragon
kingdom. “It’s not important” is such a
mystery.
I have heard university students use this phrase half a
dozen times. It always seems extremely
inappropriate.
For example, a month ago, Mary was in our apartment with
a dozen other students from my classes.
It was Tuesday evening, my regular “office hours” for students to visit
and ask questions about class or just to chat.
Most come to chat. I asked Mary
(I have changed the names of all the students in this blog) about her three week absence from class in
March. Suppressing her tears, she told
me that her father had been killed in an auto accident, and she had been with
her family. I expressed my sorrow at
hearing this news and she said, “It’s not important.”
Or, last semester Bill had missed classes for six
weeks. His girl friend had told me he
was sick. When he finally returned to
class, I asked about the reason and he explained that he had gone through a
series of brain surgeries to deal with a pituitary problem. I expressed my sympathy for his difficulties,
and he said, “It’s not important.”
Bonnie was one of seventeen students who came to our
apartment for Jean’s office hours one Thursday evening. With such a large group we decided to teach
them the game of Rhythm. While we were playing,
suddenly Bonnie exclaimed something in Chinese.
Her friends turned to help her.
It seems that a tooth had suddenly popped out of her mouth. She was bleeding so Jean took her back to the
bathroom to clean up. Then she returned
to the group and resumed her seat. I
asked how she was doing, and she said, “It’s not important.”
Victoria is a student in one of my classes. While I was grading that class’s midterm exams
I discovered that Victoria’s exam was missing.
I went to her in class and asked if she could tell me what happened to
her exam paper. She was clearly upset by
this news and assured me she had turned in her answer sheet the same as all of
the other students. I promised her that
I would do a full-scale search to try to find the missing paper. Since she looked so nervous, I added that
there was no need to worry, that I believed her story, and that everything
would be all right. She replied, “It’s
not important.” (The exam turned up,
buried inside a different stack of papers.)
Clearly the phrase “It’s not important”—or the Mandarin
equivalent—is commonly used in the culture.
It seems to mean something like, “I’m okay” or “You don’t need to bother
about this.” I think it somehow relates
to the Chinese custom of “saving face”—avoiding embarrassment for oneself and
others. Perhaps it is related to the
strong sense of humility in the Chinese personality. There seems to be a sense of not wanting others
to know about my sorrows so that they will not be saddened on my account.
The most extreme example of this was told me by another
foreign teacher. One of his students’
mother became seriously ill during her time at the university. She was quite concerned and was calling her
mother frequently. When her mother died
she did not want any of her dormmates to know so she continued making pretend
calls to her mother! I suspect she would
have said, “It’s not important.”
Of all the mysteries of the dragon culture, this saying has
been the biggest for me. It strikes me
as wrong. I want to show students that I
care for them and their problems, but their culture excludes me (and each
other) from their personal sorrows. In
China “personal” means “private”—very private.
In three of the stories above, my response to the phrase
“It’s not important” was to say, “It is important because you are
important.” I explained that Americans share
their sorrows so that we can comfort each other. I told them that I care about them and I want
them to know that. They silently
listen. I think they are grateful for my
concern—at least I hope so.
Next year, one of my goals in returning to China is to
better understand the mystery of “It’s not important.”
