A few weeks ago I posted a blog about the Chinese
tendency to keep their personal sorrows private, avoiding the sympathy of
friends. Since then I have added two new
examples and learned more about the reasons for this custom.
Here are the new examples: I made a significant error in calculating the
grades of one of my classes. Fortunately
it was just a projected grade I was giving to the students, not an actual grade
going on their school records. I
accidently copied the midterm grades from a different class into the
spreadsheet for their grades. Since the
other class had done much poorer on their midterms, the result was dropping
most of the projected grades of this class by about 5%. I only discovered the error when a student came
to ask me why her grade was so low. I
checked and discovered that every grade was wrong and then I found my
mistake. I gave the students a corrected
grade projection and then apologized for the error. The student response: “It doesn’t
matter.”
The second example is hearsay. I am told that students in their senior year,
including best friends, do not ask each other about how the search is going for
a job after graduation. The reason: in
case the search is not going well they do not want to cause each other
sorrow. So best friends don’t talk about
important personal matters.
What I learned regarding the reasons for this custom came
in a discussion in one of my classes.
During the break between classes Jean had texted me some
sad news: our son-in-law’s best friend was killed in a tragic accident over the
weekend. This news really saddened
me. I wanted to share the news with my
class, but I knew that the cultural norm was for me to cover my sadness with a
smile and not share with anyone. But as
I sat in the back of the classroom listening to a student presentation my
feeling of sadness continued to distract me.
Finally I decided to not follow the custom: to briefly share about the
sad news I had just gotten, and to ask if they would help me to understand why
it is not normal to share such sad news.
The students immediately began chattering with their
seatmates—the sound of discussion that is typical in our classes. After a couple of minutes I signaled for the
discussion to end and asked for volunteers to explain this custom to me. Several students rose in turn to speak. This is just a summary of their explanations.
One girl said the custom had to do with saving face. I asked her to explain, and she said that
sorrow is a kind of weakness that people don’t like to show in public. Another student added that it is each
person’s responsibility to bear their own sorrows and not to trouble others. One boy shared that everyone should share
happy things with others and keep the sad things to themselves so that everyone
will be happier. This can lead to a
harmonious society. (All Chinese
frequently say that everyone’s goal is a harmonious society). Another student shared that troubles are
usually kept within the family and not shared with friends. But then another student said that when he
called his parents he would only tell then the good things and not the unhappy
parts of his life, so that they would not worry about him (Maybe college
students in the States do that as well!). Perhaps one student summed it all up
by saying that Chinese believe that the best way to deal with sorrow is not to
talk about it. They believe that if you
talk about sorrow, it gets worse.
After hearing these explanations, I told the class that
American culture was different, that we often share our emotions with others, both
happy and sad ones, so that our friends can share our joys and sorrows with
us. We like to sympathize and to be
sympathized with. The girl who had
translated my question to the class responded to this by asking what an
American would do if a friend shared sad news with them. I replied that the friend would probably give
them a hug (hugging is not common in China), say they are sorry to hear the
news, and ask if the person wanted to talk about it. Then the friend would sit and listen while
the person told them about their feelings.
I said that Americans believe that the best way to deal with sadness is
to talk about it.
After I shared this, one student bravely shared her
story. She said that her parents are
divorcing, and she is hurting inside.
But when she tries to share her sadness with her dormmates they just
say, “It’s not important”—that phrase again—“don’t worry about it.” I thanked her for telling us, but I knew that
she left the class still having no one to listen to her. To me, that compounds her sadness. Jean and I made a point to talk to her later,
letting her share about this major crisis in her life.
Jean and I have talked about whether this is just a
cultural difference: not right, not wrong, just different. Maybe I am an ethnocentric American, but I
feel the Chinese custom is not good. Jean
and I cannot change their culture, but maybe we can find ways to help the
students we know be willing to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with
those who weep.”
